Is it too hard...?

I just don't get it. -What makes one man romantic and another bone dry?
I know a man who send his wife love letters to their house. Another man who stops by the side of the road and picks wild flowers for his wife.
Or take a man who just holds his wife's hand or rubs her shoulders. I just don't get it.

My man? Not a romantic bone in his body. I ask for affection. I ask for specific things. It never happens. I get so tired of saying, Honey, I need some attention. I get laughed at.

Last night we had awesome sex.
As we caught our breath, I said to him a bunch of sweet things, and how much I loved him; how he was the only one for me. You know what he said? He said, You know since the baby is asleep, you may want to try to get some sleep. Now you want to make a woman feel worthless,then do just that. He definitely made me feel like shit.

Is it too hard to make me feel special or that you care? Or is it just that I'm not worth it? Do I really deserve nothing?

My insides so crave that special love, special attention. I hurt so much where I should be full of happiness.

I just so want to feel his strong arms around me, telling me how much I mean to him, without the pressure of sex. Give me love and I'll give you all the sex you need. Just feed my heart first.

Is it so hard to leave a note? To bring a flower home? To hold me and speak words of love? To tell me that I am beautiful, even knowing that you lie...just to say it...just to hear it.

SM is my very best friend. He just isn't my romantic man.

In spite of it all, I love that man.

Been a long while

It's been forever since I last had a good verbal vomit. I lie awake at night writing this blog in my mind, yet never give it life.

Things have been hectic with the new baby and all. There is so much I could say from the past six months I have neglected my blog spot. But there is one thing one my mind.

You see, I had a secret. A secret I kept from everyone since I was 13. Not even SM knew, not my sister, not my mom. My secret was my sex life at that young age.

SM knew that I wasn't a virgin when we married. But I led him to believe it was only one man I had been with. The truth is that I had sex with three different men. Not that the number is outrageous, but the fact that I was a young thirteen is appalling.

He and I were sharing some personal things today and he asked some uncomfortable questions.
I answered truthfully. Even confessing that the second man was married.

Thank goodness that we are at the point in our marriage that we can share things like this.
I have been with SM since I was 17, and I never thought I would ever tell him. Only because I was so ashamed.

It was a horrible thing I did, not once, but several times. I was way too young and I could have messed my life up badly.

It has all ended well though. SM and I are cool as well as that heavy burden full of deceitful secrets I had been carrying around.

In my old age I tend to be more supportive than judgmental of people. Because I have been there and walked in those shoes. It is this reason that I have been able to help young girls with their personal problems without ever disclosing mine.

Also, due to the fact I have three girls myself, I have to be understanding. Understanding beside my shotgun.