strings and all

I find myself lying on the table, my legs in stirrups, chewing my gum and staring at a popcorn ceiling.
The tiny white sheet they provide not doing so well covering my lady bits. I hear talking outside the door. Piss, they passed by.

I glance over at the counter. There it is. That magical little thing. The one thing I have been waiting to get. It looks innocent enough. Yet I am still apprehensive. It's just the unknown of the process that makes my knees wobble.

And about that time the doc walks in. She explains what she is about to do and how it all works. I can't help but smile as the thoughts of what it's for runs through my mind.
She pulls it out of the package and my smile fades a little. I start to feel nervous.

Doc sits down on the stool and pulls the light down towards my lady bits. The light flickers, it's weak. She inserts the speculum. It's cold but tolerable. She begins the process.
Then stops. She can't see she says, the light is too dim. The nurse runs out for a replacement. Minutes pass by. Doc looks at me and says how uncomfortable I must be and gently slides the speculum out. My face is red.

Nurse comes back in and fixes light. The process begins again. This time it is completed. She warns me about the possibility of bleeding. Also that in order for it to settle in my uterus, she has left the strings long and will trim them on my next appointment. That's fine, I say.

She walks out. I get up, dress and go out to the nurses station. Nurse asks i I know how to check the strings. I do, I tell her, but she precedes to go into detail about the best position and insertion.

I leave thinking, I am gonna get me some tonight. I have just been installed with a sperm killing machine. I call SM, tell him he better drink a red bull before he gets home.

I go home, go through the rest of the day and start to feel something poking me. It's uncomfortable. I sit on toilet to check the strings. My legs are spread; I pull my lady bits open and look down. The freakn strings are hanging out. That's what was poking me, those darn strings. And they have been, every since then. I have to get them trimmed...a lot.

But the best thing is, is that visit made it possible for me to have sex as much as I want and to not get pregnant. So if I have to get through a few days of poking by a little string, then so be it.

I feel liberated and it shows, just ask him.

If it looks like a duck...

I swear. How dumb can you be.
Tell me you feel like there is something wrong. Tell me one day you hope I find someone who cares for me. Tell me you know you don't do enough. Tell me you know how horrible you are. Tell me how sorry you are.

And then what?

Do nothing? Do absolutely nothing? Are you kidding me?

(rhetorical questions )

Promise me the moon and stars; promise me some companionship; promise me a few minutes of your time.

And do what?

Sleep? Go to sleep? Are you kidding me? Not once, but again and again.

(rhetorical questions)

Ok, so now what?

I will tell you. And I do.
I tell you what I need and want. Tell you how I feel.
Tell you that I need you. That I have to share my heart and soul with you. Tell you I need you to touch my body with love. Tell you how I need your security. Tell you that I love you.

And you do what?

You say no...and you sleep. You justify it by saying some other time.

Well, you know what? There wont be another time.
You see what you fail to realize is that I supply your needs. You have no problems because I do as you ask. I am aware, compassionate, considerate, dependable and I am there for you. When you ask for something, I give.

But not you. No way. You don't have the depth to give like that. You know you should and even feel bad. You are even sorry at times. Truly sorry. But it just isn't there.

For that I pity you. I have an emptiness that is saved for you. It will never be filled; I, as well as you, know that. Yet it still hurts. Hurts worse by the fact you know how bad you hurt me. You know and yet you wont allow yourself to even try.

...then it's a duck...isn't it?
(rhetorical question)

My Absence.

SM read my blog. Disagreed with me about my reasons for blogging.

Asked me to stop blogging; I did. But now, I am back.

Had my baby also. One day I will blog about that. One day.

Out of the wild blue yonder...

I had no idea that a certain someone had such negative feelings about me.

It kinda came out of nowhere.
Actually in all fairness, there was a situation that a certain person created. I was a little worried...then upset...then mad about said situation. After I finally talked to the person, I learned some things that left me thinking where in the world did that come from. Things from persons own mouth.

Look, I even apologized for feeling so upset/worried/mad. Only to have said person tell me my apologies mean nothing to them. What the fuck is up with that? And then for them to say that I ruined their whole week-weekend for being so worried about them.

I can honestly say that I had no clue whatsoever that they held such low regard for me. All I could say was wow. Wow. I mean how can you even fathom that?

Out of the wild blue yonder came a bombshell. I wasn't prepared for it and it almost got the best of me. So, I type out my thoughts/feelings at almost 1am.

You know deep down inside me, I know that person is dead wrong. Yet I can't shake the feeling wondering if or what I ever did to give them that impression of me.

..........time passes, seconds, minutes, an hour..........no answer or peace still........

Randoms

Have nothing huge to blog about. So I will ramble along.

I will say that SM snooped my blog the other day. He wasn't to happy that I was so raw and real with my emotions. Told him that's what my blog is for...my thoughts/feelings.
He understood finally; apologized and such.

For mother's day he bought me a wedding band set. I love it.
We got married in a pent church, no rings allowed, so I have never had a real set of wedding rings. I am very excited about them.

School is almost over. All three kids will be home. Plus another late August. Although my oldest is vacationing with her mawmaw in Indiana during June.

My hair has gotten so dark over the past 3 years. So I am slowly getting it back to light brown. In fact I am coloring it as I type. About to pass out from the chemical smell too. I hope it turns out ok. If not, you may hear me scream very loudly.

I just noticed the time. I am missing the Rangers. My boys are one game away from 500. Doing really well so far. Pitching and defense have really pulled it together. Proud of my Rangers.

I got six minutes left for my hair to cook so I am going to end these blah blah verbal vomit.

Oh and I just wnt to say, GRRR UBUTI!!!

Today, I just want to die.

I will preface by saying this has my heart and soul poured into it. And bottom line, it's not pretty.

I am thirty years old and I have dedicate my entire adult life to SM and my 3.5 kids. I have never had a career, never even had a job outside the house to be proud of. You will hardly ever find me alone. Kids never went to daycare. Always with me.

I can remember one time. One fucking time, I went out with a girlfriend. SM almost refuses me to go out without him. Yet, he can go without me. Let's just leave that alone.

I sacrifice my family and friends and move off with him, support him, in his job change. So, we live here and I stay home. Home. Walls and kids. No family, no friends. I mean how easy is it to make friends when you are home?

Sometimes I just wish I had someone. Someone that was truly interested in being a friend. SM used to be that person. He is no longer interested in me. As a matter of fact, he let me know that he wasn't. That will make any wife feel good, I tell ya.

It's been a really tough week for me. I feel so alone.
So today is Saturday. He is home. Good, I can have some adult conversation and feel like an adult.
We are standing in the kitchen, I am cleaning of course, and he is talking about money. You see, he has this annoying habit of asking me what I spend and where. Which is a big reason I hardly ever go shopping. Anyway, he tells me that if I was working and bringing home my own money he wouldn't question me. So I am standing there feeling like a scolding child and he says, 'Oh by the way, I'll be back after while'.

I lost it.

I ran to my bathroom and cried. I felt like it's just never fair with him. He would rather spend his free weekend with the guys he sees everyday at work.
He opens the door and is angry, wanting to know what wrong with me now. I swear, something inside me snapped, broke open, it was like I wasn't even in my body. I found myself screaming and beating his chest with my fists. Something I have never ever done.
Telling him all of this; what I felt and why. Asking him why can't he understand that I just needed him. I needed him. Needed him.

I fell to the floor crying like I have never before. I get up and run to the bathroom puking. It has physically made me sick.

I hear the door slam, truck peel away and I know in my heart, he didn't care.
Then he sends me this text- quote: ALL I DO IS WORK WORK WORK WORK AND LOVE MY FAMILY AND YOUR GONNA SAY SOME CRAP LIKE THAT...I CANT DO ANYTHING RIGHT CAN I

Hmm, so maybe I should be content to stay at home. Talk to adults via internet, and wave goodbye to him each time he goes out with his friends and tell him how he deserves it because all he ever does is work.

Like I said, this is depressing shit and I feel like it too. But as I told SM, life goes on. Tomorrow is another day...and another...

(and i will be here...at home...)

Three months of Hell.

The last three months have been pure hell for me. Due to a complicated pregnancy.
I am half way through and little Olivia Labree should arrive healthy this summer.

My mom has been here to help out. Or to get on my nerves as I think of it. I swear, I would go piss and she would follow me like I was two. "Are you ok?", she would ask. I would politely say yes when what I was thinking was, " Get a good look at my lady bits, yet?"!
It did have some benefits though, like no cooking nor any cleaning.
SM even didn't mind cause, as bad as it sounds, it was like having a live-in maid. He and his lazy arse.

Anyway life goes on. And my tits are killing me. They are swollen and my nipples feel as if they are about to explode. This hurts worse than ever. I love a good suck or twist on the nips during sex, but here lately I just about cry when they are touched. Very upsetting due to the fact I can cum easily when my nips are sucked. Hmm. Dam boobs.

And sex. Good grief, going without sex for three months was excruciating pain. Although there was a lot of ...hmm..*wonders am I revealing too much?*...

So for the last three hellish months I have been housebound. Nothing exciting in this fuckn' life.
Tis ok though. I mean like this weekend, she is gone and SM is gone, so I can sit on the couch with my hands down my pants and watch anything I want to on tv.
Some porno will do me good. Too bad I can't compliment it with a nice bottle of Patron.

Btw, I hate Jillian Barberie. She has this advert with some weight loss company and she catches a football, then asks how many women can do that. Like hell. I suppose she thinks all women are dumb blonds. Wait...isn't she a blond? Hmm, stupid fucker. I can fuckn' catch a damn ball.
Any kind of ball...even sport balls.

Like afore mentioned; life goes on down the toilet of society.

Another butt to clean...

This blog will be short because I haven't much to say about the topic.

I found out that I am going to have another baby. This makes number four. It just has to be a boy, has to. Anyway, I have been sick as hell. The bed has been my best friend for the last few days.
I have an ultrasound next Wednesday, the 30th. We have no idea how far along I am so this should give us some clue as to the EDD is.


So in short, new baby and sick. What a wonderful day.