Today, I just want to die.

I will preface by saying this has my heart and soul poured into it. And bottom line, it's not pretty.

I am thirty years old and I have dedicate my entire adult life to SM and my 3.5 kids. I have never had a career, never even had a job outside the house to be proud of. You will hardly ever find me alone. Kids never went to daycare. Always with me.

I can remember one time. One fucking time, I went out with a girlfriend. SM almost refuses me to go out without him. Yet, he can go without me. Let's just leave that alone.

I sacrifice my family and friends and move off with him, support him, in his job change. So, we live here and I stay home. Home. Walls and kids. No family, no friends. I mean how easy is it to make friends when you are home?

Sometimes I just wish I had someone. Someone that was truly interested in being a friend. SM used to be that person. He is no longer interested in me. As a matter of fact, he let me know that he wasn't. That will make any wife feel good, I tell ya.

It's been a really tough week for me. I feel so alone.
So today is Saturday. He is home. Good, I can have some adult conversation and feel like an adult.
We are standing in the kitchen, I am cleaning of course, and he is talking about money. You see, he has this annoying habit of asking me what I spend and where. Which is a big reason I hardly ever go shopping. Anyway, he tells me that if I was working and bringing home my own money he wouldn't question me. So I am standing there feeling like a scolding child and he says, 'Oh by the way, I'll be back after while'.

I lost it.

I ran to my bathroom and cried. I felt like it's just never fair with him. He would rather spend his free weekend with the guys he sees everyday at work.
He opens the door and is angry, wanting to know what wrong with me now. I swear, something inside me snapped, broke open, it was like I wasn't even in my body. I found myself screaming and beating his chest with my fists. Something I have never ever done.
Telling him all of this; what I felt and why. Asking him why can't he understand that I just needed him. I needed him. Needed him.

I fell to the floor crying like I have never before. I get up and run to the bathroom puking. It has physically made me sick.

I hear the door slam, truck peel away and I know in my heart, he didn't care.
Then he sends me this text- quote: ALL I DO IS WORK WORK WORK WORK AND LOVE MY FAMILY AND YOUR GONNA SAY SOME CRAP LIKE THAT...I CANT DO ANYTHING RIGHT CAN I

Hmm, so maybe I should be content to stay at home. Talk to adults via internet, and wave goodbye to him each time he goes out with his friends and tell him how he deserves it because all he ever does is work.

Like I said, this is depressing shit and I feel like it too. But as I told SM, life goes on. Tomorrow is another day...and another...

(and i will be here...at home...)

Three months of Hell.

The last three months have been pure hell for me. Due to a complicated pregnancy.
I am half way through and little Olivia Labree should arrive healthy this summer.

My mom has been here to help out. Or to get on my nerves as I think of it. I swear, I would go piss and she would follow me like I was two. "Are you ok?", she would ask. I would politely say yes when what I was thinking was, " Get a good look at my lady bits, yet?"!
It did have some benefits though, like no cooking nor any cleaning.
SM even didn't mind cause, as bad as it sounds, it was like having a live-in maid. He and his lazy arse.

Anyway life goes on. And my tits are killing me. They are swollen and my nipples feel as if they are about to explode. This hurts worse than ever. I love a good suck or twist on the nips during sex, but here lately I just about cry when they are touched. Very upsetting due to the fact I can cum easily when my nips are sucked. Hmm. Dam boobs.

And sex. Good grief, going without sex for three months was excruciating pain. Although there was a lot of ...hmm..*wonders am I revealing too much?*...

So for the last three hellish months I have been housebound. Nothing exciting in this fuckn' life.
Tis ok though. I mean like this weekend, she is gone and SM is gone, so I can sit on the couch with my hands down my pants and watch anything I want to on tv.
Some porno will do me good. Too bad I can't compliment it with a nice bottle of Patron.

Btw, I hate Jillian Barberie. She has this advert with some weight loss company and she catches a football, then asks how many women can do that. Like hell. I suppose she thinks all women are dumb blonds. Wait...isn't she a blond? Hmm, stupid fucker. I can fuckn' catch a damn ball.
Any kind of ball...even sport balls.

Like afore mentioned; life goes on down the toilet of society.