strings and all

I find myself lying on the table, my legs in stirrups, chewing my gum and staring at a popcorn ceiling.
The tiny white sheet they provide not doing so well covering my lady bits. I hear talking outside the door. Piss, they passed by.

I glance over at the counter. There it is. That magical little thing. The one thing I have been waiting to get. It looks innocent enough. Yet I am still apprehensive. It's just the unknown of the process that makes my knees wobble.

And about that time the doc walks in. She explains what she is about to do and how it all works. I can't help but smile as the thoughts of what it's for runs through my mind.
She pulls it out of the package and my smile fades a little. I start to feel nervous.

Doc sits down on the stool and pulls the light down towards my lady bits. The light flickers, it's weak. She inserts the speculum. It's cold but tolerable. She begins the process.
Then stops. She can't see she says, the light is too dim. The nurse runs out for a replacement. Minutes pass by. Doc looks at me and says how uncomfortable I must be and gently slides the speculum out. My face is red.

Nurse comes back in and fixes light. The process begins again. This time it is completed. She warns me about the possibility of bleeding. Also that in order for it to settle in my uterus, she has left the strings long and will trim them on my next appointment. That's fine, I say.

She walks out. I get up, dress and go out to the nurses station. Nurse asks i I know how to check the strings. I do, I tell her, but she precedes to go into detail about the best position and insertion.

I leave thinking, I am gonna get me some tonight. I have just been installed with a sperm killing machine. I call SM, tell him he better drink a red bull before he gets home.

I go home, go through the rest of the day and start to feel something poking me. It's uncomfortable. I sit on toilet to check the strings. My legs are spread; I pull my lady bits open and look down. The freakn strings are hanging out. That's what was poking me, those darn strings. And they have been, every since then. I have to get them trimmed...a lot.

But the best thing is, is that visit made it possible for me to have sex as much as I want and to not get pregnant. So if I have to get through a few days of poking by a little string, then so be it.

I feel liberated and it shows, just ask him.

If it looks like a duck...

I swear. How dumb can you be.
Tell me you feel like there is something wrong. Tell me one day you hope I find someone who cares for me. Tell me you know you don't do enough. Tell me you know how horrible you are. Tell me how sorry you are.

And then what?

Do nothing? Do absolutely nothing? Are you kidding me?

(rhetorical questions )

Promise me the moon and stars; promise me some companionship; promise me a few minutes of your time.

And do what?

Sleep? Go to sleep? Are you kidding me? Not once, but again and again.

(rhetorical questions)

Ok, so now what?

I will tell you. And I do.
I tell you what I need and want. Tell you how I feel.
Tell you that I need you. That I have to share my heart and soul with you. Tell you I need you to touch my body with love. Tell you how I need your security. Tell you that I love you.

And you do what?

You say no...and you sleep. You justify it by saying some other time.

Well, you know what? There wont be another time.
You see what you fail to realize is that I supply your needs. You have no problems because I do as you ask. I am aware, compassionate, considerate, dependable and I am there for you. When you ask for something, I give.

But not you. No way. You don't have the depth to give like that. You know you should and even feel bad. You are even sorry at times. Truly sorry. But it just isn't there.

For that I pity you. I have an emptiness that is saved for you. It will never be filled; I, as well as you, know that. Yet it still hurts. Hurts worse by the fact you know how bad you hurt me. You know and yet you wont allow yourself to even try.

...then it's a duck...isn't it?
(rhetorical question)

My Absence.

SM read my blog. Disagreed with me about my reasons for blogging.

Asked me to stop blogging; I did. But now, I am back.

Had my baby also. One day I will blog about that. One day.