Today, I just want to die.

I will preface by saying this has my heart and soul poured into it. And bottom line, it's not pretty.

I am thirty years old and I have dedicate my entire adult life to SM and my 3.5 kids. I have never had a career, never even had a job outside the house to be proud of. You will hardly ever find me alone. Kids never went to daycare. Always with me.

I can remember one time. One fucking time, I went out with a girlfriend. SM almost refuses me to go out without him. Yet, he can go without me. Let's just leave that alone.

I sacrifice my family and friends and move off with him, support him, in his job change. So, we live here and I stay home. Home. Walls and kids. No family, no friends. I mean how easy is it to make friends when you are home?

Sometimes I just wish I had someone. Someone that was truly interested in being a friend. SM used to be that person. He is no longer interested in me. As a matter of fact, he let me know that he wasn't. That will make any wife feel good, I tell ya.

It's been a really tough week for me. I feel so alone.
So today is Saturday. He is home. Good, I can have some adult conversation and feel like an adult.
We are standing in the kitchen, I am cleaning of course, and he is talking about money. You see, he has this annoying habit of asking me what I spend and where. Which is a big reason I hardly ever go shopping. Anyway, he tells me that if I was working and bringing home my own money he wouldn't question me. So I am standing there feeling like a scolding child and he says, 'Oh by the way, I'll be back after while'.

I lost it.

I ran to my bathroom and cried. I felt like it's just never fair with him. He would rather spend his free weekend with the guys he sees everyday at work.
He opens the door and is angry, wanting to know what wrong with me now. I swear, something inside me snapped, broke open, it was like I wasn't even in my body. I found myself screaming and beating his chest with my fists. Something I have never ever done.
Telling him all of this; what I felt and why. Asking him why can't he understand that I just needed him. I needed him. Needed him.

I fell to the floor crying like I have never before. I get up and run to the bathroom puking. It has physically made me sick.

I hear the door slam, truck peel away and I know in my heart, he didn't care.
Then he sends me this text- quote: ALL I DO IS WORK WORK WORK WORK AND LOVE MY FAMILY AND YOUR GONNA SAY SOME CRAP LIKE THAT...I CANT DO ANYTHING RIGHT CAN I

Hmm, so maybe I should be content to stay at home. Talk to adults via internet, and wave goodbye to him each time he goes out with his friends and tell him how he deserves it because all he ever does is work.

Like I said, this is depressing shit and I feel like it too. But as I told SM, life goes on. Tomorrow is another day...and another...

(and i will be here...at home...)

Three months of Hell.

The last three months have been pure hell for me. Due to a complicated pregnancy.
I am half way through and little Olivia Labree should arrive healthy this summer.

My mom has been here to help out. Or to get on my nerves as I think of it. I swear, I would go piss and she would follow me like I was two. "Are you ok?", she would ask. I would politely say yes when what I was thinking was, " Get a good look at my lady bits, yet?"!
It did have some benefits though, like no cooking nor any cleaning.
SM even didn't mind cause, as bad as it sounds, it was like having a live-in maid. He and his lazy arse.

Anyway life goes on. And my tits are killing me. They are swollen and my nipples feel as if they are about to explode. This hurts worse than ever. I love a good suck or twist on the nips during sex, but here lately I just about cry when they are touched. Very upsetting due to the fact I can cum easily when my nips are sucked. Hmm. Dam boobs.

And sex. Good grief, going without sex for three months was excruciating pain. Although there was a lot of ...hmm..*wonders am I revealing too much?*...

So for the last three hellish months I have been housebound. Nothing exciting in this fuckn' life.
Tis ok though. I mean like this weekend, she is gone and SM is gone, so I can sit on the couch with my hands down my pants and watch anything I want to on tv.
Some porno will do me good. Too bad I can't compliment it with a nice bottle of Patron.

Btw, I hate Jillian Barberie. She has this advert with some weight loss company and she catches a football, then asks how many women can do that. Like hell. I suppose she thinks all women are dumb blonds. Wait...isn't she a blond? Hmm, stupid fucker. I can fuckn' catch a damn ball.
Any kind of ball...even sport balls.

Like afore mentioned; life goes on down the toilet of society.

Another butt to clean...

This blog will be short because I haven't much to say about the topic.

I found out that I am going to have another baby. This makes number four. It just has to be a boy, has to. Anyway, I have been sick as hell. The bed has been my best friend for the last few days.
I have an ultrasound next Wednesday, the 30th. We have no idea how far along I am so this should give us some clue as to the EDD is.


So in short, new baby and sick. What a wonderful day.

Seasonal Glitter

Went to a children's Christmas play this morning. Oh joy.
It was just a tad boring. One of those kinds of things where nobody's mic is on and they all forget their lines. The best part was when the donkey came in. It was actually a man in a donkey costume crawling on the floor. Don't know why that was funny to me, but it was.

Came home, fixed lunch. Ate then cleaned up. Wrapped some presents. Such a glittery day. It is December, just a few weeks before Christmas and it's 80 degrees today. Hard to get in the hot coco, sleigh ride mood.

Last night I was on the floor, my kids on top of me playing. My man decided to join in and put all his weight on me. I couldn't breath and started coughing. When he finally rolled off, I got up and was coughing up blood. Should I be worried?

This will end now because I have to pee.

Moody Monday.

Today is a typical Monday. Wake up and life slaps you in the face.
I couldn't sleep last night which is no surprise. Could be that we found out that LSU will be playing for the national champs on Jan 7th '08. Very excited abut that.

Anyway, I couldn't sleep. I stayed up and watched some movie with Jack Nichol's. He was a detective on the verge of retirement when a child was murdered. He promised her mother that he would find her killer. It actually was so boring, I went to bed halfway through it.
I got up at 5:45am. Was supposed to get started on work so that I could mail thm off by tomorrow. Needless to say it was a Monday. Mondays, everything goes wrong. No supplies delivered by 7am, 8am finally around 9sh I get a call.Be about 1pm.

Monday. grrrr I am posting this tuesday evening. Typical Monday, heh?

Another football weekend

How proud am I of my LSU Tigers!
This goes out my friends who I always enjoy a friendly pissing contest with:

HAHAHHAHAHAHAHHAAHA!!!

Ok, now that is all out of the way, lets move on.
I went to church this morning. A first in a while, tbh. I was standing beside stupid mexican and this lady walks up she is telling me how beautiful I am and every time she sees me, I get cuter.
SM makes fun of me the rest of the morning and says we need to invite her over for a threesome. Hmm, yea...I don't think so.

I came home and fixed a homemade spaghetti and garlic bread. It was verrrry good. I imagine within the next hour, I will be dying with heartburn. 'Not bad manners, just good food', as they say.

Four days to the anniversary. Still, I have bought no gift. 11 years is steel. I wonder if they make steel picture frames? I was thinking of serving divorce papers in a picture frame. Engraved, of course. Either that or a cock ring. I need to go shopping...mwahahhaha

So much for this lazy Sunday. I am worthless for the rest of what's left of today/night.

Ho Ho Ho...

About time.

I have been meaning to start one of these blog thingys. I alway read other peoples verbal vomit and never spill mine.
So it is about time I do so.

I am not sure what is louder right now the sound of my typing, football in the background, the dryer or my tummy. I ate a late lunch today, a hamburger. No breakfast, no snack. I am h u n g r y.

I put battery operated candles in my windows for christmas. Now, I will be having sleepless nights scared of them starting a fire. I mean what's the point of having them when you only turn them on at night, they are on for a couple of hours, then you turn them off. Just another waste of my hard earned money.
Ha! Who am I kidding, I don't spend my money. Let the stupid mexican do it. That's my husband, btw.
I have called him that for many, many years now. Even on my cell phone, it say stupid mexican. My kids thinks it another nationality. Hilarious, methinks.

Thursday is our 11 year anniversary. Seems like a lifetime. What happened to me? I am 30, 3 kids and married since I was 19.
Gray hair, stretch marks and sex. Good sex. Give and take. It's worth it.

It's about time.