I will preface by saying this has my heart and soul poured into it. And bottom line, it's not pretty.
I am thirty years old and I have dedicate my entire adult life to SM and my 3.5 kids. I have never had a career, never even had a job outside the house to be proud of. You will hardly ever find me alone. Kids never went to daycare. Always with me.
I can remember one time. One fucking time, I went out with a girlfriend. SM almost refuses me to go out without him. Yet, he can go without me. Let's just leave that alone.
I sacrifice my family and friends and move off with him, support him, in his job change. So, we live here and I stay home. Home. Walls and kids. No family, no friends. I mean how easy is it to make friends when you are home?
Sometimes I just wish I had someone. Someone that was truly interested in being a friend. SM used to be that person. He is no longer interested in me. As a matter of fact, he let me know that he wasn't. That will make any wife feel good, I tell ya.
It's been a really tough week for me. I feel so alone.
So today is Saturday. He is home. Good, I can have some adult conversation and feel like an adult.
We are standing in the kitchen, I am cleaning of course, and he is talking about money. You see, he has this annoying habit of asking me what I spend and where. Which is a big reason I hardly ever go shopping. Anyway, he tells me that if I was working and bringing home my own money he wouldn't question me. So I am standing there feeling like a scolding child and he says, 'Oh by the way, I'll be back after while'.
I lost it.
I ran to my bathroom and cried. I felt like it's just never fair with him. He would rather spend his free weekend with the guys he sees everyday at work.
He opens the door and is angry, wanting to know what wrong with me now. I swear, something inside me snapped, broke open, it was like I wasn't even in my body. I found myself screaming and beating his chest with my fists. Something I have never ever done.
Telling him all of this; what I felt and why. Asking him why can't he understand that I just needed him. I needed him. Needed him.
I fell to the floor crying like I have never before. I get up and run to the bathroom puking. It has physically made me sick.
I hear the door slam, truck peel away and I know in my heart, he didn't care.
Then he sends me this text- quote: ALL I DO IS WORK WORK WORK WORK AND LOVE MY FAMILY AND YOUR GONNA SAY SOME CRAP LIKE THAT...I CANT DO ANYTHING RIGHT CAN I
Hmm, so maybe I should be content to stay at home. Talk to adults via internet, and wave goodbye to him each time he goes out with his friends and tell him how he deserves it because all he ever does is work.
Like I said, this is depressing shit and I feel like it too. But as I told SM, life goes on. Tomorrow is another day...and another...
(and i will be here...at home...)
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5 comments:
You've been through so much over the last few months. Damn boobs, damn men, damn everything...but in a very short matter of time it will all turn around. That's the beauty of this thing called life. So young lady, there will be no dieing, not today or the next or the next. It will get better, good times will come, I promise. Life is funny that way. Ha fucking ha, yeah I know. I'm so inspirational I can't stand it. Love you. Oh wait, I just had a thought. Maybe if we starting wearing skirts to our ankles again and grew our hair everything would...;) Is this your longest comment EVER?
I hope you're getting better.
I'm coming late to this (as to most things!) but I want you to know my heart goes out to you. I have been where you are (and beyond) and completely understand how you are feeling.
The Angel is right, though. This too must pass. As hard as it is to see through, these times do go by us.
Keep the faith, sweetheart. In what exactly depends on you. We all need something to cling to sometimes. For some it's drink or drugs or sex or faith or family... Find what works and treasure it.
For me, I have to say, it always has been faith. It's the one thing that has never, ever changed in my life - regardless of everythign adn everyone else. I draw strength from that security.
Now I sound like I'm preaching and I don't mean to!
You are a blessing and I want to see you blessed.
Look after yourself as best you can. Be well and kee your chin up, chick.
Hope you're better...
Bree, I feel like a dropped the ball on this. I knew there were other blogging sites for my friends but I had not visited them until our beloved died.
I am pouring through your blog and I just want to scream. You are not alone. I have been there before, right where you are and it sucks.
You have to do for yourself. Don't feel like you are being selfish because you want alone time, grown up time, shopping time or man/pedi time. TAKE IT and don't ask for it, just do it.
You perform a very valuable role in your home. If you calculated what you do, he could not afford it. Possibly, he does not realize that.
I went through this exact same thing as a young mom. Home alone, two kids, no friends only the occasional visit with my grandmother. I did not even have my own car. I didn't have my own money. I contemplated killing myself during those days. I so did not want to be a part of a life that I felt like I had no control over.
I put all my card on the table. They were not well received. Slowly, one day at a time, I took steps for me. When my hubby realized that I was a better person for it. He began to encourage it. He would arrange for a sitter to keep the kids and we would go to dinner and a movie. I think he began to realize that just because you are home, does not mean you do not work. Being at home creates even more need for physical and emotional interaction.
I hope you are doing better. I hope things are better.
Love yourself and don't feel guilty for doing it.
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